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Reaching Out: The Guide To Writing A Terrific Dear Birthmother Letter

Nelson Handel
EasternEdge Press

 

Composing a "Dear Birthmother" letter was the hardest writing assignment I've ever faced. Self-administered Pergonal shots seemed less daunting. But my husband and I had reached a crucial point where our goal and our endocrinologists weren't the same anymore. He wanted a pregnancy; we wanted a child. It was time to move on. So I sat down at my computer and typed: "Dear Birthmother," I felt doomed.

At the time, the only available resources were general guides to open adoption. They were excellent overall, but we needed more hand-holding for this particular task, more specific examples. Now there is Reaching Out: The Guide to Writing a Terrific Dear Birthmother Letter, by Nelson Handel. Newly published in paperback, this guide is also available as an e-book for the electronically minded.

Handel writes clearly, thoughtfully, and with a sense of humor, gently cajoling prospective adoptive parents away from common errors of wording and tone. With loads of examples and step-by-step instructions, Reaching Out will help you present yourself, your partner, your home, and your hopes in the best possible light. Writing that "Dear Birthmother" letter may never be enjoyable, but with Handel's encouragement and advice, you can give it a good shot.

-by Amy Klatzkin, a contributing editor to Adoptive Families.







Reaching Out: The Guide to Writing a Terrific Dear Birthmother Letter
by Nelson Handel

(Reviewed by Carole Lieber Wilkins, M.A., M.F.T.)

Up until now, potential adoptive parents began their domestic adoption process being thrown to the metaphoric wolves. After carefully selecting an adoption professional, they were almost immediately sent forth to battle their own internal demons and return with a calling card a Dear Birthmother letter upon which the success and timeliness of their adoption often rested. For many, the pressure and anxiety is intense when writing about yourself, intimately and truly? Most find this an overwhelming task.

Nelson Handel s new book, Reaching Out: The Guide to Writing a Terrific Dear Birthmother Letter, fills this crucial gap in the educational process for domestic adoptions. It comprehensively details the process of creating a strong and effective outreach letter and it does so in an entertaining, delightful, and pressure-reducing way.

The book begins with an orientation to the birthparent s perspective toward adoption, and proceeds methodically to discuss all the component parts that make up the typical outreach letter. It looks at the various letter forms commonly employed, investigates each subject area thoroughly, and provides plenty of step-by-step techniques for writing and revising (this last is a procedure that should make it much easier for those prospective adoptive parents not accustomed to extensive writing). Throughout, Mr. Handel projects the philosophy that authenticity, honesty, and heartfelt speech give prospective parents the best chance of connecting with like-minded birthparents and thus completing a successful open adoption.

This is the second book most prospective parents should read after whatever adoption process self-education they complete and the first that begins to grapple with their personal experience of the journey to forming an adoptive family. Most will find Mr. Handel s knowledge and approach immensely useful. But the real value of the text perhaps may lay in the positive mental approach to adoption it projects. In the guise of orienting almost parents to the letter-writing task ahead, Reaching Out stealthily challenges and corrects many of the negative preconceptions, stereotypes, fears, and self-consciousness they often bring to the adoption table.

An adoptive parent himself, Mr. Handel also brings his skills as a professional journalist to the task. He shows equanimity in areas where adoption professionals disagree but doesn't shy away from taking stands on certain subjects, from birthmother infantilization to the overuse of exclamation points (don’t you just hate that!!) found in many birthmother letters. Overall, he establishes a friendly relationship with the reader, maintains a jovial and supportive tone, and injects a good measure of light humor that keep things moving and makes for an enjoyable read.

Reaching Out accomplishes all it sets out to do, and a good measure more. It should quickly find its way into the established canon of domestic adoption literature, and on to the bookshelves of most adoption professionals.

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